My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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