Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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