you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
