you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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