Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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