brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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