Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
