Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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