i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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