gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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