Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
