I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
being pregnant is like rehab
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Randomize
