So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
