i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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