I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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