ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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