It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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