Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
