I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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