i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
