god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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