i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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