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He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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