some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We have started to decorate penises.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
