I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
