ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
