he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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