I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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