bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
