when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize