I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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