mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
