My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
pop tarts are not kleenex
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize