Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
