whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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