so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
