He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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