I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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