my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I would fuck him just for his dog
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
