You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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