dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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