My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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