i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
