I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
