we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
