And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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