ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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