Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
