i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You have to summon your inner elephant
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
