I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize