that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
