I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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