i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
