thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
