I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
