Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
All I want is dick and wine.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize