but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
