see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
