Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
