Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
