Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
