She's like a pop up book from hell.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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