seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize