At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Enjoy the penises
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
