I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
