new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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