I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
